"I'm right; you're wrong." "You never listen to me." "You never spend time with me." These common phrases are damaging for most couples. Is there any way to stop the downward spiral? When you first started a relationship with your partner he was romantic, caring, kind loving and sensual. He went out of his way to make you happy and feel loved, now you feel neglected and ignored. As women it is only natural when things aren’t going right in a relationship for us to think things like; Should I leave him? Is there another man out there who I am supposed to be with? Has the relationship expired? Can I be with a man who can treat me better? While the answer to all of these questions may very well be yes, there are a number of things to consider. However, if the man you are with puts your health and safety in danger then that is an entire different situation and removing yourself from the relationship is a necessity not an option.
No one else is responsible for your happiness but you
Woman tend to crave something from men that they need to give themselves mainly; love, attention and the ability to make them feel happy. She looks for others (Her partner) to make her feel better because she feels the absence of that feeling within herself. This is where insecurity comes into play. If a woman constantly needs to be reassured that she is loved or good enough or pretty enough it’s because she feels that she isn’t worthy of this and needs someone else to show her she is. If a woman wants to be in a happy relationship, she has to focus on independently reaching the place of loving herself. She cannot ask others to love her first in order for her to then love herself. They can’t. Relying on someone else to make you feel good is unrealistic as that person is inevitably at some point going to give their attention to something else, to something that makes them happy and then you will be in trouble when it doesn’t align with what you want from them. No one (not your man, boss, family or friends) is responsible for making you happy, that is your job and your job only. When you truly grasp this you will be a lot happier and then the affection and love towards you will flow like a river. This is because If you make your relationship with your Inner self as your top priority, you will deliberately choose thoughts that allow you to feel good. Your thoughts control your emotions, so if you focus on good thoughts about yourself, you will constantly offer the best version of who you are to whoever you interact with.
Thoughts become things
The reason your relationship and man was better at the start was because your thoughts about him and the relationship were only optimistic and positive at the time. You wanted to see the best in him, and so you did and by doing so, he was his best. The dominance of your thoughts is what brings everything to you and is what is behind the reaction you have to every action of your man. By looking for good-feeling thoughts—your action will then always feel good.
Example: Daniel is a loyal married man - He spends every Saturday playing Golf with his friends. He is sometimes away from his wife and son all day. On Sundays he devotes his time to his family.
Woman A: Feels as though Daniel would rather play sports or spend time with his friends than spend time with her and their son. She feels resentful that he gets to de-stress while she deals with the pressure of raising their child. Her reaction to his action will be met with anger, resentment or hurt feelings.
Woman B: Understands that playing golf is something he enjoys and it makes him happy. She arranges family members to babysit on Saturday so she can spend her time unwinding or socialising with friends. She is happy that on Sundays they get to spend quality time together as a family. There is harmony in the relationship and because of her alignment with her own happiness he will want to be around her more because of it.
It is truly amazing just how much we are creators of our reality. Woman A met her partner with negativity, hostility and anger. Her negative thinking prevented her from doing what makes herself happy. Her fear would in fact become true – he would rather play sports or be with his friends than spend time with her because she offers him a negative energy, fights with him and causes him stress and more pressure. No action you take can compensate for negative thoughts. Woman A could beg, cry, scream and shout but nothing would make her feel better about the situation because her thought was coming from a place of negativity. But action that is inspired from positive thought is always pleasurable action. You are the creator of your experience; and the thoughts you think determine everything about the life that you live. As you turn your attention toward the positive aspects of the personality and behaviors of the man in your life, you will train your point of focus in the direction of only what you want.
Change your focus
Focus on the best in others; and when they are lacking the characteristics you want, practice seeing them anyway – because when you practice thinking the thoughts of the things that you want in someone, then the more they will want to prove you right. You can’t focus on all of your partner’s weaknesses and on the things that you think they are doing wrong, and expect their behavior to change in a way that makes you feel better. It is not their responsibility to sacrifice what makes them happy in order to make you happy. The only possible way you can feel better is if you do what makes you feel good. And when you do, you’ll influence them to reconnect with you. When you see your partner as you want to see him, (Being romantic, loving, affectionate) your partner will see you the way you want him to see you (beautiful, caring, understanding, kind, fun). Stop thinking of your man and relationship in the negative light you don’t want it to be in, by noticing what it currently is, keeps it that way.
Don’t worry about forgiveness – rather forget about the past
As hard as this might be to understand- Forgiveness doesn't fit in very well with relationships. You might be thinking ahhh? Let me explain. When you forgive someone you have to dig up the reason and emotions you felt for whatever you are trying to forgive. The weird thing about forgiveness is that you still hear women talking about what they forgave. "Oh ya, he went to a strip club, it really hurt my feelings but I forgive him!" Now what happens with this is that anything you give your attention too activates your thoughts, feelings and attitude. So if something has hurt you and you're willing to forgive it, you are triggering all the thoughts and feelings that come with whatever hurt you. The reason women struggle so hard with the idea of forgiveness is because they keep digging up the stuff that hurt them in the past during present arguments. They forgave their men for hurting them yet keep the pain alive. Instead why not just let it go and activate something that doesn't need forgiving. Every man has things about them that you adore and things you don’t. And if you are forgiving some of the stuff you don't want to see you are keeping it alive so it becomes a bigger part of who that person is and what they are giving you. The actual way of forgiving is really forgetting. And the ultimate way of forgetting really is by remembering something you want to remember, concentrating on the good that person has done for you.
How to dramatically improve your relationship NOW
When you go through the variety of changing moments in your relationship day to day, stop often and reaffirm to yourself your intention to think good thoughts and feel good. Let your desire to feel good be the dominant goal in your day and remind yourself, that it is up to you to feel good, and that it is no other person’s responsibility to make you feel good.
There is nothing that you could do that would be more powerful in moving you in the direction of the relationship that you want than to take a notebook and spend time every day writing the positive aspects of the person in your life.
Release all effort to control the behavior of your man, instead, focus on the control of your positive thoughts.
Stop trying to hold onto any man and relationship according to how it was in the past. If you constantly compare your relationship to the new and loving one you once had this keeps you from the potential fulfillment of what it can become.
Re-evaluate why you are together by thinking back to when you first started dating. What was it about him that drew in your interest? What qualities did you find attractive in him? It reminds you why you fell in love with him and it will push you to look for those qualities in him again
Communication is key. Whatever you have to say, say it with love. Keep things to the point and don’t criticize him or his actions.
Just forget about the past. Give your man room to fail and don’t hold it against him when he does. He’s human.
When you focus on what you don’t want from him, you only get more of what you don’t want and you will never find happiness that way regardless of the man. But if you take the time to learn how to focus on what you do want from him in a positive way, then your attitude and his develops into everything you could ever want from a man and relationship.
To get you started on your relationship confidence journey, I am offering a mini guide with 5 communication hacks that allow you to communicate persuasively with men.
Yes I Want That
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