- Feb 18, 2019
- 3 min read
Updated: Jun 29, 2022
As women, when we are in a relationship, we tend to become sacrificial love victims unconsciously. We become so concerned about making the man in our life happy that we end up giving our power away. This then becomes the actual cause of the man becoming distant, disrespectful, and selfish.
So how do you make a selfish man change?
Well, first of all, you can’t MAKE anyone do anything, BUT you can positively influence his behavior, and this is how…
Step 1: Establish your worth
A big factor in how a man behaves is based on your reactions to his actions. For a man to appreciate and value a woman, she has to establish her own worth. Therefore your response to his selfish behavior must reflect a woman of high quality.
If you allow the selfish behavior, you send out a certain message to him: “You can treat me disrespectfully and be as cruel as you want, and I’ll still love you and give you affection.”
When you don’t stand up for yourself, he hears you say, “The worse you treat me, the nicer I’ll be to you to prove that I am worthy of your love.”
And when you take a back seat to his wants and needs, you’re telling him, “Don’t worry about my feelings. I’ll get over it. It’s more important that YOU are happy.” No man values a doormat, and by doing this, you are letting him walk all over you.
Establish your worth:
- When he treats you poorly, don’t have sex with him that night. Don’t say why, don’t sulk, and don’t say, “I’m not having sex with you until…..” You just are not in the mood.
- Pull back and be less affectionate, but not sulky.
- Let his calls go to voicemail and don’t answer his texts until a couple of hours later.
- If he calls you a horrible name, don’t cry. Leave the house for an hour. Drive around, visit a friend, go shopping, just go do something!
- Don’t cook for him. If he’s a big enough boy to disrespect you, he’s big enough to cook his own meal.
- Don’t show emotion. It will make him sweat.
Step 2: Mirror Him
Take a page out of his book and be number 1. The more you focus on putting yourself first, the more he will work to be at the top of your priority list. He will consider you a woman worthy of his devotion when you’ve added the key component: respect. And respect determines everything in the relationship if he gets upset, OH WELL! If he expects you to understand, then so should he.
Mirror him:
- Mimic his behavior. If he went out with friends, go out with yours.
- Don’t plan around his schedule. TELL him you will be doing your nails on a particular day, so he will have to watch the children. TELL him you have plans on Saturday so you can’t go to his parent’s for dinner.
- Instead of putting his needs first, put yourself first.
Step 3: Get a Life
Having the courage to do things that will challenge you and make you feel good and excited about life is at the very core of personal growth and independence. This is the perfect time to re-establish and enjoy the life you had before him. There is a big world out there waiting for you to experience and enjoy it.
It grabs his attention because you have your own life and interests aside from him. “Getting a life” will make you appear less needy of him, which immediately changes how he views you.
Redirect all the attention you were giving him back onto you and do something every day that makes you feel excited about life.
You see, when a woman has her own interests, she automatically remains a challenge for the man.
Get a Life:
- Don’t let him know where you are all the time.
- Come home two hours later than you normally do when he’s at home.
- What better time to start a new hobby.
- Reconnect with friends.
- Apply for a new job role.
- Sign up for a gym.
A healthy relationship is focused on compromising and mutual respect. Small behavior adjustments on your part might just cause big behavior adjustments on his.
Leandra
xxx
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How do I know if he's gaslighting me?
You walk away from conversations more confused than when you started. You apologise for things you didn't do. You start to question your own memory of events you remember clearly. Gaslighting isn't him disagreeing — it's him rewriting reality until you doubt your own version. If you've started keeping notes to prove things happened, that's the answer.
What's the difference between pulling away and emotional manipulation?
Pulling away is about him. Emotional manipulation is about you. Pulling away can be done badly without being calculated. Manipulation is calculated — designed to keep you off-balance so you're easier to manage. If his withdrawals always coincide with you asking for something reasonable, that's not pulling away. That's punishment.
Why does he love-bomb then pull back?
Because love-bombing is performance, not connection. The intensity at the start was him trying to fast-track attachment so he could relax. Once you're attached, the performance ends — because in his mind, he's already won you. The pullback isn't disinterest. It's him stopping the part he was finding effortful.
How do I leave a manipulative man?
Quietly and completely. Don't announce. Don't explain. Don't give him the script of where you're going emotionally — he'll use it. Cut financial, emotional, and logistical ties first. Then leave once. Going back even once teaches him that leaving is a tactic, not a decision.
Is he toxic or am I overreacting?
Ask yourself: do I feel better or worse after most interactions with him? Worse, consistently, isn't "overreacting." Toxic isn't always loud — sometimes it's the slow drain of always being the one apologising, accommodating, second-guessing. If you can't be yourself around him, that's the answer.