- Jan 14, 2021
- 6 min read
Updated: Sep 26, 2021
As women, we’re so fixated on our ultimate goal of being in a committed relationship. This eagerness tends to make us think every guy we date could be “The One.” The absence of a relationship sometimes makes us feel that the presence of any relationship is the right thing, and that couldn’t be further from the truth.
Any relationship is NOT better than no relationship because when you are on your own, you can make the most of that time by getting clear about what you want and what you deserve. You can invest in yourself, and you can put yourself in the position to meet the right person.
SECRET LESSON
When a man shows you who he is don’t look away.
The need to love and be loved is ingrained in a woman’s psychological makeup. We want to find Mr. Right so desperately, and this causes us to ignore red flags and deal-breakers. In my book “This Girl’s Got Game” ( Get it Here) you will unlock how to have the upper hand in your relationships with men by understanding them better and your power of influence which will allow you to attract Mr.Right.
However, I believe there are ten major signs which show a woman that a man isn’t going to provide her with her happy ever after.
1: You Can’t Trust Him
Trust is at the core of every successful relationship. If your guy feels the need to lie about where he has been, where he is going, and who he has been with, you need to pay attention. A lack of trust develops when a partner has done something to make you question his integrity. This could be from a significant event like cheating or withholding important information. But sometimes mistrust can just be a feeling supported by a woman’s intuition. Either way, it’s a sign that you should reevaluate why you think he is right for you. If he isn’t able to be genuine and authentic, what makes you think your relationship will be real?
2: He Brings Out the Worst in you
A man can be a significant influence on your life. He can have your back when you need support, give you a confidence boost, and comfort you when you are down. But, if you are in a relationship with the wrong person, “he could bring out a side that you don’t like. The parts about yourself that embarrass you. The characteristics that you don’t want others to see. Your behaviors spill from insecurity, anger, and fear. You might not recognize the person that your relationship has turned you into. A relationship should help you become the best version of yourself. Your partner should do and say things that inject positive energy into your life, not negatively draw it out of you.
3: He’s Selfish
If you feel that you are putting in all the effort to make the relationship work, it’s a sign that you are with the wrong man. That was the case for me when I was young and naive. I made the same mistake many women make. I got so caught up in my feelings for a guy, that I overlooked the fact that he was utterly using me. Whether it was for money, transport, or attention, I was only relevant when it suited him. Kindness and affection were never returned. He wasn’t interested in investing in me or my needs.
A successful relationship requires a 50-50 partnership. In any relationship, there are going to be periods when one person is more attentive to their partner and seems to be more ‘in love’. In a healthy relationship, this behavior will rotate so that both partners experience the feeling of pursuing and being pursued. However, if a man is always self-absorbed and the woman is the passionate pursuer, it puts the relationship off balance.
4: You Don’t Feel Good Enough for Him
We all have insecurities, but we shouldn’t let them manifest into low self-worth. The wrong man will take advantage of your self-doubt in the form of his criticism, disrespect, and manipulation. If allowed, he will cause your confidence to spiral out of control. Your self-belief will be riddled with negative thoughts of, “He can do better than me. I’ll never find real love because of my x, y, or z flaws.” He will attack your confidence by being cruel and using your weaknesses against you. Putting you down makes him feel on top. The right guy sees all the beauty in your flaws and makes you feel special. You should feel good about yourself in a relationship and not think that he could do better.
5: You Make Excuses
When hurt, we often try to calm ourselves by excusing the situation or another person. So, we accept the responsibility in the form of self-blame. ‘If I would just behave differently…’ ``if I could only be prettier … things would be better between us. Don’t fall into the self-made trap of making excuses for him about why he can’t love you the way you need to be loved.
When you justify his bad behavior towards you, you enforce a dysfunctional relationship. The wrong men are experts at fulfilling their own needs at the expense of yours. If your ex made you feel rejected and miserable more than he made you feel happy, chances are he isn’t your Mr. Right.
6: Friends and Family Don’t Like Him
If you had to make a list of all of the characteristics that your family and friends would want you to find in a man, would they match your ex? If not, you may be in a relationship as a way of rebelling against your family, not because you are with the right person.
Those closest to you are usually pretty good when it comes to seeing the signs of a man who’s not worthy of you. If your friends are telling you that he’s only using you for sex or your mom thinks he doesn’t respect you, listen. Don’t be so quick to brush them off. People looking in, tend to notice things that you might be too distracted to see. Those who love you want what’s best for you. If everyone around you is telling you that this guy is trouble, you know they can’t all be wrong. Don’t stay in an unfulfilling relationship just because you fear your relatives will point out that they were right all along. Your future happiness is not to be taken lightly.
7: Lack of Intimacy
Are you usually the one who reaches out first to be affectionate physically? Do you feel like you are the one always reaching for his hand, offering a hug, or kissing him? If your man isn’t willing to kiss you or hold your hand, then it is time to reflect on his interest level in you. There are different ways to show intimacy, but if he isn’t affectionate, the relationship lacks passion. For a relationship to work, you need to connect intimately. Sex and love are not always the same thing. You need to connect in a loving, unguarded way. If you’re with a guy who never shows you that he’s into you, chances are he’s not.
8: You’re Afraid of Him
When you’re with the wrong person, you tend to feel that you have to walk on eggshells. Anytime you want to do something or stand up for yourself, you will question his reaction to it: “Will he get angry? Will he leave? Will he embarrass me? If you find yourself dating a guy and you have to second guess your every move, it’s time to be honest with yourself. Can you picture a happy future with this person, if A: He won’t change and B: His behavior gets worse?
9: He is Unavailable
If your man is married, engaged, in a long-term relationship, or sleeping with another woman, he is not available. Regardless of the circumstance or excuse, the ending will always be the same, and it won’t be a happy one for you.
Men think differently from women. A man doesn’t have to be unsatisfied with a woman to cheat on her. And he doesn’t have to love a Side Chick to cheat with her. If you become a man’s Side Chick, that’s all you will ever be to the man. Even when the first relationship ends and you become the Main Woman, you will still just be a Side Chick. When you are willing to give 100% of yourself to a man when he isn’t reciprocating that percentage, you lose your value.
He will not hesitate to sabotage you and deflect his responsibility in the affair. He will turn himself into the victim and you into the evil villain. She threw herself onto me, she is a whore,” he will say. The same man who pledged to leave his lady for you will stab you in the back by making you out to look like a despicable person.
10: You Are Unhappy
The easiest way to know if you’re settling in a relationship is by asking yourself if you are happy. Love isn’t perfect, but it is supposed to enhance your life and make it better? If he always lets you down, disappoints you, and is disrespectful, why allow yourself to be unhappy.
You should be with someone who is caring and treats you like his queen, not like someone who is beneath him. Don’t let a man stay in your life who tramples on your feelings. Set clear boundaries of what you will accept and what you deserve. This way, you won’t get caught up in toxic relationships. Do not settle!
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How do I know if he's gaslighting me?
You walk away from conversations more confused than when you started. You apologise for things you didn't do. You start to question your own memory of events you remember clearly. Gaslighting isn't him disagreeing — it's him rewriting reality until you doubt your own version. If you've started keeping notes to prove things happened, that's the answer.
What's the difference between pulling away and emotional manipulation?
Pulling away is about him. Emotional manipulation is about you. Pulling away can be done badly without being calculated. Manipulation is calculated — designed to keep you off-balance so you're easier to manage. If his withdrawals always coincide with you asking for something reasonable, that's not pulling away. That's punishment.
Why does he love-bomb then pull back?
Because love-bombing is performance, not connection. The intensity at the start was him trying to fast-track attachment so he could relax. Once you're attached, the performance ends — because in his mind, he's already won you. The pullback isn't disinterest. It's him stopping the part he was finding effortful.
How do I leave a manipulative man?
Quietly and completely. Don't announce. Don't explain. Don't give him the script of where you're going emotionally — he'll use it. Cut financial, emotional, and logistical ties first. Then leave once. Going back even once teaches him that leaving is a tactic, not a decision.
Is he toxic or am I overreacting?
Ask yourself: do I feel better or worse after most interactions with him? Worse, consistently, isn't "overreacting." Toxic isn't always loud — sometimes it's the slow drain of always being the one apologising, accommodating, second-guessing. If you can't be yourself around him, that's the answer.